


Still Here

by missmoonkat



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-04-21 08:54:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22058581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmoonkat/pseuds/missmoonkat
Summary: This is set after Rise of Skywalker and is my way to try and deal with all of the feelings I had leaving the theater.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time posting fan fiction in over ten years. So please be kind as I work through my feelings about the end of Rise of Skywalker and hopefully bring other people to a better place along with me. I do not own Star Wars in anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first time posting fan fiction in over ten years. So please be kind as I work through my feelings about the end of Rise of Skywalker and hopefully bring other people to a better place along with me. I do not own Star Wars in anyway.

This isn’t how it should have ended. All the stories, even in the dark, love does not kill people, but since when has my luck even been ordinary. I’ve always been cursed, cursed to be born in the most famous family in all of the galaxy, cursed to be hunted down by an insane ghost of the past, and to lose the woman I love over and over again. Holding on to a single person should not be this hard. I wrapped my incorporeal arms around Rey’s strong and lean frame as she buries the lightsabers on Tatooine.  
“You know they all hated sand?” I quip hoping for her to bare her teeth at me, to look at me, to know I’m still here, but she doesn't. I lean my large frame over her like a cloak as she looks to smile at Mother and Uncle.  
“Rey Skywalker.” She says to the woman her face full of pride before taking in the dual suns.  
“Are you saying that to not be trespassing? Or did you forget my name is Solo?” I’m pouting and it is unseemly, but I’ve stopped caring. A lifetime of bantha luck and it follows me even to the beyond. I was gifted one thing in my life and it was Rey. Her presence, her touch, her understanding, and her eventual love. Love that made her cry in her sleep as I curled around her. If she refused to feel me that didn’t mean I couldn’t try. Father had a habit of doing things till mother told him to stop. He knew full well that she would stop him, but she had to stop working to do so. She had to let the republic function without her to come scold her husband. I never thought of why father would do that till now. Why not just talk to her I would say Uncle Chewie while they fought. The wookie would just tell me  
“Friend can’t speak to princess. He can’t get through with words.” Well I get it now. Twenty years too late, but I get it now.

Rey is curled up on the falcon’s main bunk. I still look around and paste the past to the walls. Father kept a post of a twi’lek songstress on that wall and often had cards scattered over an opposing surface, but the ship had been combed over all of those things long gone and Rey wasn’t inclined to fill the space with her things. A sad thought washed over me that her things didn’t exist. She had been denied belongings and much as she was denied belonging. I balled my fists as the unfairness of it all. I wanted her to live. I hadn’t wanted to die, but I had wanted her to live more. My whole life was for the purpose of being tied to her and I got five seconds of the world being all I ever wanted only to wash away with the cruelty of balance.  
“Ben..” The small woman cries from her defensive sleep. Her hands shoot out as if to grab for me to stop me from fading into nothingness. My heart freezes as I move into that embrace. Even if she can’t see me, can’t feel me, I will be here for her till the force decides she’s next.  
“I’m here. I’m right here.” I whisper as I hold her. Her whimpers and tears telling me how much I am missed how much I was robbed of; we were robbed of. Why make a twosome only to destroy one half. All this talk of light and dark and strength. The force doesn’t care. The force doesn’t play favorites. The force just does. Any justice found in the force is an accident after it was determined that all love is worthless. Rey burrowed deeper into my illusioned manifestation her eyes shut tight as she tossed her head back and forth.  
“No Ben...Stay… Please.” I rub circles into her back. Maybe this is why Jedi forbid attachments. The sick joke that love is doomed to those who can feel the force. A cold rage burns in my belly as she snapped awake to cry in earnest. Damn the force.

What do heroes do after the story is finished if they are alone? I had wondered. Uncle Luke made the academy to carry on the teachings of the Jedi though becoming a main force again was never really likely. Mother married father and took over creating a government that would last a couple decades before being destroyed and everyone else went home, but Rey didn’t really have a home. She wasn’t trained enough to begin an academy nor was she of a temperament to be a good teacher. I think I have more patience. A smirk crosses my face. No, I know I have more patience; after all I had waited thirty years for her.  
She wasn’t exactly a leading political figure either since Mother hid her away. She received invitations from her resistance friends, the flirty pilot and the ex storm trooper to meet and attend functions, but she turned them down. Claiming to be doing something, but then we would just fly from port to port.  
“You can mourn around people Dearest.” I whisper to her as she pilots the falcon around to another port. She can’t hear me as I bang my head against the wall of the inherited craft in frustration. We’ve landed in a small port she leaves only long enough to get supplies and refuel. Then she’s shooting off again. I am leaning back in the copilot’s seat when she begins to pull out the Jedi texts and scans them. Her long fingers tracing the pages reverently as if they held something dear. The distinct shame of being jealous of a book makes me turn my face away in shame. Even if she can’t see me glaring I still shouldn’t. Even if I have taken to holding her and making remarks. I haven;t decided where I should draw lines as I have realized I’m not truly a ghost either.  
I am trapped somewhere in being alive and being dead. I am alone watching as the true ghosts float back and forth. I tried calling out to them, but either I’m being shunned by the dead or I’m trapped in a force pocket of kriffing absurdity. How lovely to be given an eternal timeout. I look back over to Rey tenderly stroking a page out of the book. My frustrations reaching their limit I rise up and stalk behind her. What could she be looking at so sweetly? When she would never look at me that way. I know It’s a silly point and that I was behaving worse than a petulant child, but being redeemed and being a saint are far and away from each other.  
I searched the pages and felt myself hollow out. She had drawn a picture of me at some point; probably when I was mentally flogging myself over my life. It was wonderfully done though I do think she exaggerated my features. Though the burst of happiness I received thinking she thought me so handsome made me smile. She held the picture as a mark looking over the pages as if she were using my image as a compass against a map.  
“What are you up too?” I leaned down against her chair my arms coming around her as I had been imagining if I had a physical body to do so. I read over the page and my mouth dropped open at the genius of it. I ran my hand down her arm to the book and called on the force to shift anything. Give her any sign of how brilliant she was.  
“Ben…” She sighed. I couldn’t move anything. I couldn’t convey anything. I went from being able to be everywhere in her mind to locked out of her reality. The frustrations and anger took hold again as I whirled around and punched the durasteel. The impact was unexpected, but the pain was welcome. Rey shot up and spun the book landing on the cockpit floor. Her brown eyes wide and filled with emotion.  
“BEN!” She screamed before she began frantically searching with the force and her hands to bind me back, but her collapse on the floor told me I was lost to her again.  
“I’m here. I’m right here. Rey please… dearest. I’m with you.” I cradle her in my arms knowing it comforts me more so than it does her, but I can’t stop as she cries against the floor. I have to be capable of something. I am Ben Solo. We are a Force dyad. I cannot and will not be useless. I take every emotion coursing in me and focus it on the book; on the image of the man she sees me as. I move it just enough to make it slide to her foot. It startles her and yet she smiles and looks around.  
“Am I right then? Ben? I can’t feel you, but I also don’t feel like you’re gone. I thought it was just numbness, but it isn’t fading. So I thought to look into it. What we are and if I can get you back. If I can somehow pull you back using our bond. I don’t know if you are here. I feel crazy, but I want you back Ben Solo… So I can take your name the right way.” She pulled the text into her lap. “ It says that the last dyad known was last seen on this planet in the outer rim and that’s where I’m going to go. I want to find out what I can. I took your hand…” She stared through him in silent command.  
“Don’t worry dearest. I will always reach for you.” I kiss her head softly as relief and love course through me. We went from no amount of space being able to keep us apart...to this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghost of poor decisions past number one comes for a visit and Rey lets them have it. While Ben cheers in his force time-out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who left kudos and enjoyed the first chapter. I am having so much fun writing again. I appreciate the chance to entertain. I still don't own Star Wars.

She had been travelling for sometime now, her hair was longer. I didn’t need to sleep or eat in this between space. Time didn’t matter. Only watching her did. Her every triumph and every frustration. I’ve lost track of how many tears I’ve been unable to wipe away, but I had, with my tantrum, given her hope that I was there. So she had begun dictating her thoughts out to the ship. Either that or the silence was finally getting to her.  
“OK so I haven’t found where the last dyad fled and hid themselves. Every trace seems to have disappeared. They seemed to never be able to stay put. Apparently a dyad can form in any strong force wielders that are a match and bring balance to each other. Like parts that fit perfectly together and act as one thing. The Sith were apparently trying to conjure one with the rule of two.” She cross referenced another text sliding it over the first book. “So of course in response the Jedi separated force users from each other by the councils ordered assignments.” She began going over the book pages. Showing me the doctrines by which Jedi got what placements.  
“Of course it’s just another game of tug of war.” I hiss. Rey continues non pulsed.  
“So… if I’m understanding this right along with what that creature said on Exegol, the force sees us as one creature. Which is why we can bypass space, time, and our own defenses. We are one thing that can fight and think as two.” She concludes. “So why am I not dead? I hate this.” She sat on the floor all of the texts opened around her in a summoning circle for answers.  
“Ah. So while the Jedi would amass many to follow them the Sith would have two; force a dyad and beat them easily?” I had to admire a sound plan when I heard one. “But a dyad is a balance not just of the opposing factions, but of opposing sides….” I wondered aloud hoping we could still follow a train of thought together.  
“I think… I think we messed it up by being half light and half dark each. That's why both sides reacted the way they did. We are our own side Ben. You were never a Sith and I wasn’t really ever the right temperament for a Jedi.” She frowned. A crease growing on her forehead.  
“So… You are better than a Jedi because you will simply do what’s right. Jedi can fail Rey while they work so hard to be correct.” I lean over her to lay a kiss on her hair before she stands up and walks through me. I groan at the unfairness of this one-sided conversation. I need her to know that she isn’t failing. That she is brilliant. That Jedi are some of the most nonsensical mystic….

“Rey.” A gruff voice calls out from the galley and I immediately groan.  
“Master Skywalker?” The esteem in her tone pains me, but I eavesdropped on them anyway.  
“Rey, What are you doing? ” The faded pastel blue ghost was standing there in all accomplishment before me. I knew I wasn’t happy to see him. I don’t know if I’d ever be happy to him, but I no longer had the will to attack on sight.  
“I am searching for Ben.” She straightened her spine. She was readying herself to be told she was being selfish, or that it was hopeless. She wouldn’t give up on me. She’s the only one to not give up on me.  
“You’re not going to stop. Have you considered what you are trying to do?” The Jedi master sighed and frowned deeply. “Bringing someone back from the dead…”  
“Can you see him?”  
I smiled heartily at her. Sitting down to watch the exchange that would properly humble my uncle.  
“No. He did not join us.” Luke grumbled. “That doesn’t mean he is alive. His body disappeared. Leia would not have left without making sure he was gone.” Mother’s name had me balling my fists. She had died used the last of her energy letting Rey run me through. A mother who dies trying to kill her son. Did she truly refuse to go until she was sure he wasn’t going to be a problem anymore?  
“Leia helped me redeem him. He was redeemed in the end. He gave his last spark of life to me, to save me. If your father can be considered redeemed after his crimes then why can’t Ben?” She bared her teeth to the spectral master. My heart skipped a beat at her defense of me.  
“Anakin…”  
“Did so many worse things than Ben.”  
“Starkiller-”  
“Was the project of an adversary.”  
“He was complacent-”  
“He was forsaken and abused. Ben is a logical and intelligent man what nerf herder are you to think that he should believe a mass murdering evil force would listen to his dissenting opinion when his family didn’t.” I watched Luke finch as her words what home. “He was a boy placed in your care. He had been given to you by his parents who couldn’t manage having their lives and Ben. He never got to make any choices. You chose and you chose wrong.” The bottom of my soul fell onto the ship as I watched Rey dig into the Jedi. Dig into him for all of the pain he caused all of the truths that I ignored because no one believed in me enough for it to count. I watched Uncle Luke’s face fall under the weight of truth.  
“He deserved better.” Rey snarled at last. “Do you know how hurt he was by what you all did? Do have any idea? When the heroes attack you does that not make you the villain; make you a monster?” She gripped her fist and looked at the floor. I knew she was remembering the harsh words she threw in my face before. I floated over to her and held her.  
“It’s okay Dearest. I knew you never really meant it.” I cooed. “We both saw things were wrong, but the knowledge to fix broken things…”  
“Why do you think I hid?” Uncle Luke fired back. “I couldn’t face any of them after I had failed so badly. I admitted to you I was wrong about ignoring my duties, but I never apologized about Ben. At seventeen Leia was a resistance leader, Han was a pilot, I was complaining about chores. Yet, I had to be the one to save the galaxy. I was never the perfect choice I just never gave up.” He looks away.  
“He was a boy in you care and you failed him. What was worse is you let everyone believe he was a monster and even though he never gave them cause too; everyone did.“  
I held on to her tightly. She couldn’t feel me, but I could feel her. All the rage that I was not there all the justice she demanded for me. She had seen inside my heart and soul and had decided i was worth it. I thought about that night waking up to know that the greatest hero in the galaxy wanted me dead. That no one at the academy would even hear my side. That mother and father accepted the narrative of my villainy as a fact they had always feared. It had been so long. The rage didn’t come back to me. It didn’t fill me up as it had. It was in her.  
“Rey, calm down. It’s alright. I am saved. It doesn’t matter how I was lost anymore. You saved me.” Her rage still burned. No not her’s, it was my rage. My rage inside of her. I wondered if it was still mine to quell. I reached out and stroked the anger easing it down as I would when it had been in my body. I felt Rey calm her breathing.  
“He is here then.” Luke stated to no one in particular. Rey was startled a moment before taking in how sad Luke looked. “I can’t see him, but I know his rage when I see it. You are forced to carry it for him are you?” Rey looked down at her hands. It felt like she was trying to conjure me from thin air to fit in her pocket. I smiled at the thought and wrapped my large frame around her. It would be more likely that she could fit in my pocket than I could ever have fit in hers.  
“I hope. I hope Master Skywalker that he is here and that I can keep him here or bring him even closer.” Her face tight with worry. I whispered sweet words she couldn’t hear into her hair. I am always such a burden, one day I hope it’s enough to communicate my gratitude, my adoration.  
“Will you not revive the Jedi without him? You are the last.” Luke’s face stern, but a flicker of kindness. A face he made whenever he wanted students at the temple to arrive to a conclusion. I smiled wider as Rey met it.  
“Ben is a better teacher. He taught me without trying.” I snorted. I worked hard indeed getting this stubborn girl to feel as if she was stealing techniques rather than learning. “He has better patience and more actual training than I do.” He pointed gaze looking sharp enough to strike a ghost if need be.  
“Then I guess you should acquire him.” Luke shook his head and disappeared. Rey reached back through me for the dejarik table. Her breathing short as her eyes flitted around thinking quickly.  
“Ben? I can save him… That should mean I can…” She smiled brightly as she regained herself. “Now how in kriffing hell do I manage it. “


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben needs time to think about things. Rey needs to ask for a helping hand or two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally learned how to indent and use a work skin on here. Feeling kind of good about that. I also figured out the ninety percent of the road I want to take this story on.

“I’m here.” I whisper to her as she sleeps. I don’t know why I keep talking. I must be suffering from a new form of insanity. I never get through even when she is sleeping so soundly next to me. Sometimes when she slept our bond would open and I would lie in my bed and imagine it being allowed; my laying next to her as she took respite. Back then I would never have dared touch her. Now I am wrapped around her like a loth cat lulled by her energy. I know that I still don’t have that consent, but I can’t ask for it. A kiss does not deem permission for all of the personal invasion I have been guilty of in the months since I’ve been trapped in between, but I will beg forgiveness later. I can beg her later for so many things.

Rey’s breathing is even tonight. Her dreams must have calmed down since Luke told her I was here. I don’t want to be grateful to the man, but… maybe he is ashamed of himself. I curl myself tighter around her. Grateful for the first time for my spectral state. This would probably be the most uncomfortable position being between her and the wall on the bunk, but I can feel her warmth at night. I can feel like I’m real again. I refuse to run my hands over her. I’ll just hold on to her. I try and turn my thoughts away from how lovely she is in my arms.

I find myself thinking about the temple about everyone I thought I was working with who were only looking for an excuse to discard me. The apprentices didn’t ask me what happened. No one ever asked me what happened, till Rey. They all wanted to believe I would be evil. My chest tightened. I don’t have lungs anymore; yet I still feel like I can’t breathe. Luke had said he failed me in our fight. He had said sorry, but did he even understand the depth of what he had been apart of what he had caused. All of my rage about that place that Rey so carefully took from me stemmed from this one betrayal. I can see that now. That I spent so long with people for them to never trust me, never believe I was anything, but a monster. I was strong. I was strange. I was a child and they were Jedi. They were afraid. All of them. Even when we worked, dined, and trained together. That betrayal of having everyone turn on me without question. I bit back the pain; tried to replace it with anger, but it wasn’t there anymore. When I was a boy I thought excelling at my tasks would make them all happy. Each task set before me was a chance to prove that I was not a menace. Yet, it only seemed to further prove my guilt. I had failed before I ever started. I buried my face in Rey’s tangled hair. Her presence the only thing keeping me from shattering. I remembered that being near her always seemed to bring a calm over me. Even in the face of her rage mine would mute. Is it possible that it wasn’t so much that she soothed me, but took my rage to fuel her own? Is that why there is no anger to comfort me now. She is truly a wonder to hold all of my faults. I will do my best to make up for it.

“Ben?” She mumbled in her sleep. Her hair tangling along her arm and the pillow.

“I’m here.” A small smile curled at her lips. A sigh, she was still deep asleep. Is she dreaming of me, or did she feel me? I will lie to myself. I need to lie to myself; believe she heard me. Believe that she is sliding in my arms because she can feel them. That one day she will wake up and smile because she knows I am really there. I could never lie to her, but I will lie to myself as I have always done because I don’t know what else to do when I can’t reach her. “I’ll always be here Dearest.” We’d need to have faith. Not my strong suit.

Rey went over the texts again until she threw one against the wall in frustration. Her hair frizzed and frazzled falling out of her usual style. She couldn’t find anymore hints. The books had been exhausted without further hints to make something usable we would be stuck. She had run to the books with such desperation that morning I had almost thought she had a vision. I tried to recall the last time she woke up and ate something, or brushed her hair.

“Ben…” She sounded so tired even though she had only woken up a little while ago. I scanned over her again thinking about how her clothes seemed to hang on her a bit more now. She needed help, but I was useless. Powerless. For the first time since my conception I was powerless. I couldn’t wield anything to make her better or save her from herself. I couldn’t even help myself. What little substance I thought I had hollowed out. A chirp from the dash of the falcon had a message coming through.

“Rey? Rey!” Damnit, the pilot was back. His smug face and casual posture standing on the console. An annoying holographic bug and here I was without any repellent. Dameron continued, “Rey, Eh, you look awful. Why don’t you fly that rust bucket back here for a bit? Finn has been crying about how you never call and he has all of these questions about the mumbo jumbo you do so, please?” I disliked this man so much, insulting the falcon like that wasn’t doing him any favors, but the tone of his please... He was worried about someone. Whether it was Rey or the storm trooper I wasn’t sure. For her part Rey didn’t speak to the pilot. She just walked over and turned it off. Rey was withdrawing into her frustrations and anger; she was turning into me.

“Dearest. Go. Please. I can’t make you better. Not like this.” I plead with her. They would at least be able to force her to take care of herself a bit more. She’s almost as thin as she was when she first left that junk heap of a desert. “Don’t isolate. You have friends. Real ones. Please.” I wrapped myself around her as she stood in front of the console staring out into the stars. How many times had I seen mother and father here? How many ways did I imagine standing with a lover here? “Please.” I eased my hand along hers still near the communicator switch. She let out a huffed out a breath before sitting in the captain’s chair navigating towards Coruscant. The alliances of people who gathered to defeat the final order and the storm troopers who led a rebellion from within the first order had decided to recycle the old senate chambers. They probably have thought of a lovely new name for themselves. I rolled my eyes at the thought of the republic third times the charm, but if Rey could find a meal there. Some comfort. I’d gladly walk into that place if it meant the past would let us have a future.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey meets up with her friends and figures out somethings. Ben learns more about his dearest.

The senate chambers were grand, though broken down and under repair. Rey strode through the halls looking at everything. Her eyes flying left and right to take in every new detail. I could feel her excitement pulsing through the air around her. I hoped she explored. I hope she spent her life traveling and experiencing everything. The things I could show her. I looked around at the circular placements for each alliance government. The history in this one room. 

“Rey!”

“Rey?” Dameron and the storm trooper raced over to her. 

“You really came huh?” The pilot raised his eyebrows looking her up and down. The snarl I was working up came out of her mouth instead. Both men flinched back. 

“Rey?” Finn, that was his name, held up a hand as if sensing around her. “I don’t… What?” He dropped his hands waiting for Rey to explain herself as if she had a need to do so. 

“What?!” Dameron clearly didn’t like being out of the loop. 

“Food. Rey, why don’t we go eat and talk?” Finn said cautiously. Rey nodded and followed her friend. I blew out a breath, thank goodness one of them had thought to feed her. Dameron made a face and followed behind.  They found a quiet place to sit and a plate of food was fetched for Rey. 

“Rey?” Finn asked cautiously. “Why...What is up with your force energy? It was a bit different when you came back from the fight, but it is a lot worse… I don’t know.” He looked nervous a youngling trying to understand the tickling of the force. I waited for Rey to explain. She had been so quiet the whole way here. 

“Ben.” 

“Huh?” 

“Ben, he gave his life to me. I want to give it back. He is trapped somewhere inside me. Because of me.” She held all of her fear back. Every deeper emotion was trapped up in her. She sounded so matter of fact. Was she always like this to them? Did she always hide from her friends? I thought about the other apprentices at the temple. Did I ever tell them about the voices? No, arms length is a safe distance. She’s the same, but I knew that. We are the same, but now she has to bear it all alone. I held her as she ate no more than a figment. 

“So what, you part Ren now? Like you got his kid in you? What do you mean, Rey? “ Dameron jumped up from the table as if she had just transformed into a monster. 

“Poe!”

“No, she says she has Kylo’s life in her. No wonder she’s so moody and sick.” Poe growled. 

“Poe, go find something else to blow up.” Finn yanked the man back. “Look man, You don’t understand and that’s not your fault Poe, but just... let me talk to her.” He gently places his hand on the pilot’s shoulder. “I’ll be fine.” Dameron looks trapped in circuit loop of his own feelings. 

“Fine, but if she does...anything Kylo style…” He let the threat drop and disappeared. I truly disliked the man. He couldn’t fathom what was going on. Even if Rey was carrying my child… I took refuge from that thought in her hair. I could feel the rage at having our hypothetical child threatened radiating off Rey. We needed to calm down. I reached forward and smothered the rage again. Rey gave a slight gasp lid put over the fire of her anger. 

“Rey?” Finn came back over sitting across from us. “So..”

“I already explained.” She said shortly after finishing her meal. At least she had prioritized that. 

“Look Poe is just a little sensitive. Ren tortured him, “ And would like to again for how he was willing to threaten an unborn child. “So, he still has issues. I thought you hated Kylo Ren, but now… Just what happened down there?” I held Rey a little tighter. 

“It’s ok to try and explain. Maybe he can help. He might say something that will help us think of something.” 

“Ben, Ben Solo. He was never what he seemed. He had been trying to hide me. Keep me safe from the Palpatine. He, we, have a bond. One soul broken into two in the eyes of the force. We just didn’t understand. I didn’t. He came and fought alongside me. I died, but Ben healed me. He saved me. “ She looked up at her friend. Her eyes brimming with tears, but none so traitorous as to fall. “Then he faded into the force in my arms.” My dearest sat still not daring to say anymore. She had no faith she would be welcome to stay after that much had been said. 

“So since you have his part of the bond…. You feel more like him?” Finn looked hard at her. “Look Rey I don’t understand this force stuff like you do. I wish there was a way for me to learn, but I’m still your friend. What do you need me to do?” I looked at Rey and found her staring in disbelief. I watched Finn closely he seemed to be sincere. A good candidate for a Jedi if his sensitivity got stronger. 

“See you have friends.” I whisper to her. 

“I want him back.” Rey said quietly. “I plan to bring him back.” Finn’s face set in a firm line. “He came back for me. I won’t leave him to suffer alone.”

“A lot of people...You would face a lot of opposition if you were to walk in here with Kylo Ren.” 

“Good thing I plan to bring Ben Solo. Son of General Leia Organa and Han Solo. Nephew of Luke Skywalker. Do have any idea how much good he could do?”

“The grandson of Darth Vader can do some good? Look he was always unstable. The storm troopers would change their rounds to avoid him.” Rey’s body stilled.

“Yeah, funny how the older one of the half soul feels incomplete.” It was like something clicked in her head. She stood up and stared down at the table. “I’ve never lived in a world without Ben before.” She moved around the table to Finn. “Don’t you see I’ve never… This is what he dealt with as a… Ben.” Finn looked alarmed and reached for her. 

“Rey, What’s going on.” His voice pitched. 

“Don’t you see. Ah, Ben is the better one at explaining.” She tightened her hands trying to slow her mind enough to talk. She looks so frantic and thin. Though it did explain a lot this idea of hers. 

“Ben was born before me. He was older. We are half of each other in the eyes of the force. So imagine someone as strong as Ben. Someone who has that much expectation on them and yet, they feel incomplete. Feel wrong in their existence. He had no idea because I didn't exist. He was alone. Alone as a child because I didn’t exist. It hurts.” She grabbed her arms pulling into herself. “As a child with parents so busy… Oh Ben. I must have always leaned on him without knowing. It's why I could be so calm. ” 

“That’s still no reason to go murdering people across the galaxy.” Finn countered. 

“No, it’s not. He was protecting me before I even existed. He didn’t know it, but once he did, he kept protecting me.” Finn’s eyes were wide and confused. “He never told anyone about our bond. He hid me from the first order. He killed Snoke to protect me. All he wanted was to be whole, with me. I didn’t understand because he had always been there. I was born into this life with him already in it. Where I could feel there was more out there.” 

I began to think about all the math. My power spiked out of mother’s control around ten. My emotions went beyond even my control some days around twenty-two, twenty-three. She would have been. Ah. 

“Well I can now guess your birthday… among other things Dearest.” She is still diving into the rabbit hole of her understanding. 

“Finn what if...what if he fell because the darkside promised him the answer after the Luke betrayed him? What if… Ah this isn’t helping. I need to figure out how to get him here.” She placed her hands in her hair. The emotions coursing around her were strong. I reached forward to help her calm again. She stilled and breathed deep. 

“Rey?” Finn pursed his lips. “So you mean to tell me that Kylo Ren… is a prince who has been trying to save you even without knowing who you are? And he did everything he did in service to finding you? That sounds kinda convenient. “

“Search my feelings then. Tell me what you see.” Rey was much calmer now, but I kept close. Finn reached a hand out. “Can you feel the threads of the force?.”

“Yes, kinda.” 

“Follow them back to me.” 

“There’s darkness, and light...So many emotions, but what’s the…” His eyes closed as he focused. “There’s a shield around the darkness and anger.” Finn looked at her. “Its like there is too much for one person. What’s the shield?”

“I am alone. I have all of him and myself in me. It’s not balanced. The shield is Ben trying to… I don’t know protect me some more. I can feel when the anger dims on its own. Luke said it was Ben.” Finn looked at the ground trying to process what was being said. 

“Ok I’m not going to attempt to say that I understand all of it. I’m not even going to say I understand a good amount of it, but it seems like the only way for you to become ok is to get R-Ben back from wherever he is. I do understand wanting to protect the one always protecting you.” He smiled sadly at her. “I’m glad you’re back.” 

“Thanks. Now I just need to figure out. Jedi feared this so they don’t have any information on stuff like this. Though I could still check.”

“Well Palpatine was the big bad Sith lord right? Why not check his estate?” Poe sad walking back into view. 

“Poe,” Finn started “Are you better now?” He stood up to go over to the pilot. 

“Yeah man,” He ran his hands through his hair. “Look Rey, If you need that guy out of your system then I guess that’s a… sound point, but after you do this, cause let’s face it, you’re determined enough to do it, then I get to punch that nerf-herder in the face. Deal. He deserves it for all he puts us through.” Poe wrapped an arm around Finn. Rey stiffened for a moment, but then smiled. 

“If you can reach his face by all means.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So our favorite cosmic babysitter comes to visit and lets the couple know just what is up.

Rey looked exhausted, but she wandered the senate building. Her eyes darting from lavish savage to lavish savage. In the for almost fifty years this building had been obsolete. Since Palpatine claimed the title emperor and no longer needed the approval of others. It was going to take a lot to restore the damage that time and war had inflicted on this place. I wondered did Rey know how connected our families were? Does she know how this all started? My dearest paused and lifted her left hand. I reached out to try and feel what she felt, but I was still blocked. Her fingers danced along an invisible thread as it led her through the building till she came upon a once glorious room. The paintings and decorations left intact, but faded with lack of care. I knew where we were. I had done so much research. Rey kept walking through the room following the thread right to couch where a most unwelcome ghost was waiting.

“You must be Rey then,” The older man sighed as if his legacy of babysitting hadn’t hailed his patience.

“Hello?”

“My name is Obi-wan. You may also know me as Ben.” Rey back her leg into a defensive stance as I tried to hold back my hatred for this man I had never met. Another sigh issued forth from the ghost as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Please calm down Ben. I didn’t have anything to do with any of it and I’m rather tired of Anakin being the cause of everything annoying. I am here to help. Also, If you keep bouncing her she won’t make it to the end.” Obi-wan motioned a hand out towards Rey. I flinched watching her fight through my undealt with feelings. “Skywalker’s need to learn how to fight their demons themselves. If they did maybe your grandmother would have saved us all.” That stilled my heart.

“What is going on?” Rey breathed as my emotions abated.

“Story time.” Obi-wan motioned to the seats surrounding him. “So for you young lady, first a history lesson,”

“I don’t-”

“Yes, you do. Everyone does. History is vital to understanding, but only when you understand how history works. Certain histories get recorded. Other details are lost. For instance. This room is the senate preparation room for the people of Naboo. That means this is the room of both houses. The house of Palpatine and Amidala. As your grandfather was a noble from Naboo who served as senator and Ben’s grandmother succeeded him. This is where Palpatine operated the takedown of the galaxy from. More importantly it is where he came across Anikin in the flesh and used him to experiment with the ultimate goal. You two.” Rey and I fell back into the couch.

“That doesn’t-”

“Yes, It does. Palpatine lived a long time killing his apprentices before they killed him. He killed his father to prove himself able to join the Sith. He was building towards something using the will of the force against itself. The force want balance. It will have it. When there is too much light the dark becomes stronger. Too much dark… the light rises to meet it. People are naturally both. So if he takes the strongest of the light that he can turn. A stronger light is prepared, but the one he turns never fully go dark. So he has functionally all of the dark and a small part of light. He was a politician you only need fifty-one percent of a vote to win every time.” Rey was engrossed in Obi-wan’s tale, but I knew all this. I knew how Palpatine conquered the galaxy by playing two sides against each other so he would win regardless.

“However, he knew eventually the force would figure out his game. He’d pick the wrong candidate to try and turn. So he worked out a better plan. A better endgame. A dyad. He toyed with it with Anikin and Padme. No one noticed. He picked the wrong sibling when he chose Luke over Leia. So he was overjoyed when he could put on a new face and get Ben Solo.”

“I don’t understand.” Rey’s brow was furrowed her hands braced on her legs ready to fight. Obi-wan sighed again. “Palpatine was able to be alone with both Anikin Skywalker and his wife. He by virtue of killing or having his apprentices killed; he alone would repeatedly become the vessel for all of the dark force. He wanted a dyad on his side. Reasoning he himself should have explained when he used you both like a medtank. He used the bond that the lovers shared, but it was unequal. Padme died from no injury. She died because Anikin pulled her life force to sustain himself by accident. I learned later Palpatine even told him that he caused her death, but not how.” The ghost had such a sad expression. I had spent my life hating him for being my namesake. The model Jedi no one could live up too. The symbol of my life was as exhausted as we were.

“So then Luke and Leia?” Rey was staying on mission at least.

“Born with Padme’s last effort. We split them apart to keep them safe, but they were found. Leia first and Luke was tasked with helping me save her. Leia would have been the better choice for Palpatine to try and turn. She had more of her father in her then Luke. A little hothead with always a remark to make, but they chose Luke and failed to turn him. The two of them also had a bond. They could find each other through the force. Luke was able to project to Leia in his final moments. You both should remember that.” I try to calm the rage simmering in me at the foolishness I displayed on that day. Rey grabs at her legs.

“Honestly as the only male Skywalker to still have all your limbs I think you need to take your failures with a grain of salt.” Rey and I both jerked our attentions back to the ghost. “You two are a true dyad. Something sought after since before the beginning of this mess. Full and complete you two are one whether you wanted to be or not. So it's a good thing you two seem to like each other, now.” He smirked slightly, An expression I thought haughty and arrogant.

“So how do I get him back? If I can’t sustain this…I want to talk with him. I need him.” Rey looked lost. Her expression now set with longing and fear.

“I know. It is a half life without the other. For you it’s more of a double life. Obi-wan looked around the room. “The force wants balance. Equal trades. Anikin stole Padme’s life and gave it and himself to the dark. Ben traded his life for yours and left you both in between. The work is not yours to do young lady. It is his to do through you and then, if you survive, to continue himself. The road to light and the road to darkness take time to traverse. He wasn’t turned over night in either way.”

“What does that mean?” Rey pleaded with possibly the most helpful force ghost in memory. I thought about it. I looked at the old Jedi and let it go. Let all of my hatred towards him wash away. He didn’t name me. He didn’t train me. He existed and had accolades placed upon him when his goals were all failed.

“So the most storied Jedi in history all feel like failures. Uncle Luke couldn’t revive a council. You couldn’t save your friend. Yet, everyone wants to sing your praises.” It stung still, but I breathed through it. I hadn’t asked to be named after him. He didn’t ask to name me. I wanted praise for myself, but could never get through the praise for him. It was neither of our faults that history should be so cruel. Obi-wan smiled.

“Padme could through loyalties to do what was right. Could see through her own feelings as well. The boy is learning. You, Rey, are tasked with faith. Ben is tasked with himself. Find the balance.” He looked to the balcony, a sad smile played about his mouth. I couldn’t help, but think of all the memories he must hold here. How he watched everything fall apart and could do nothing to stop it. He faded away still looking at the spot by the railing as if wishing he could have protected who he saw there.

“Thank you Ben. For a lot.” I whispered feeling silly. I turned my attention back to Rey to find her crying and staring through me. I couldn’t help but want to comfort her. “Rey-” She wrapped her arms around me.

“Ben…”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a good old fashion talk between people to form a plan.

The warmth of her surged into me. It was like at night when I could embrace her and feel alive. At least till she fell through me.

“Ben.” The small cry broke my heart.

“I’m here.” Her face scrunched like when she was looking at a malfunctioning piece of equipment.

“I can’t hear you.” Ah. I held up my hands and began to trace letters in the air slowly. I’m here. I have been here since that day. I’m sorry.

“You can hear me ?” Always. I puffed out my chest. I would always be with her. The question was: why could she now see me?

“It’s been more than a year Ben. I don’t know what to do. Find the balance. Why can I see you?” I could feel her getting herself worked up. Her emotions so unstable. It was like when I was a child. I would be fine and then suddenly flooded with every sensation. It was too much and I would lose control. Uncle Luke had spent many hours teaching me to push it all away. It always returned though. Snoke had taught me to immerse myself; until It exploded. There has to be a better way. I held out a hand to Rey. There has to be a middle ground. Rey held her hand up tentatively. It always came to this. I give her my hand and we both feared the taking or not taking. I can see it in her eyes. I feel it through whatever strange connection is still keeping me here. Slowly she reached out placing her hand on top of mine, but careful this time not to slip through it. I reached out to her warmth like I had been reaching out to the tumultuous feelings in her. I breathed out accepting the feelings. My eyes focused on hers; willing her to understand as I always did in these moments. She gave me a soft indulgent smile. She had not forgotten who I was in my final moments. I was able to return the smile to her. For the first time in over a year we found a semblance of peace.

“I’ve missed you.” My dearest says each word sounding as if she had carved them into her heart.

“Who?” If there was an award for the person with the worse sense of timing I would be throwing it at Dameron’s head. Rey jumped away composing herself back behind her mask. The one she still wore; except for around me. Her eyes jumped between where she could see me and Dameron.

“Rey, Who do you miss?” He asked a little more aggressively. Finn entered the room and placed a hand on the pilot’s shoulder.

“Hey, Calm down!” Finn also seemed to look through me straight at Rey. Interesting. I stood up and circled them. Rey watching us all still silent. I remember my father finding moments like this awkward and always acting out. My chest ached as I thought of his shenanigans every time mother made him attend a meeting with delegates. I felt a smirk form before I could stop it and did a little dance through the men. A bow at the end of my performance left my dearest near a fit of laughter.

“Rey, What is going on?” Finn’s patience had run out. His voice still sounded concerned though.

“I can see him.” She smiled looking at me. Her approval and pride in the statement ran to whatever core I still had. It was delicious. The look of ownership. I was hers and she was proud of that.

“Wait, He’s here? Ren is here?” Dameron spun around his arms spinning through my abdomen. He might have to get a stool to punch me. Finn as well tried to feel me out.

“Ben, can you hear them?” I nodded then folded my arms as Dameron swung through me again. “He says he can hear you. I can see him, but not hear him. I don’t know what’s changed.” I see it on her face as her mind is clearing to solve the puzzle. The effect of evening out the emotions seemed to have restored her partially.

Ren you scum. I’m only letting her do this cause I can’t stop her, but you are going to pay when she succeeds.” Dameron yells around the room. “You got off too easy. You terrorize everyone for years only to disappear when it’s convenient for you. I don’t think so.”

“Poe, calm down. It’s going to be ok.” Finn wraps his arms around the little man. “Rey will bring him back and then you can get it all sorted out.” He laid his head down on pilot’s shoulder. “We all will. So Rey… what weird force thing happened now?” Rey made a face as if she didn’t want to say. She was going to try and do this alone again; shoulder it all alone again. I shook my head. Then pointed to both of them.

“You need help dearest.” I pleaded with my eyes. I watched her struggle for another moment before she sighed.

“Well there was this ghost named Obi-wan…” The pair of men made their way to the couch and sat letting Rey tell them the whole story.

“So you really need him to live?” Poe sounded as if his favorite ship needed to go in for repairs. Finn rubbed circles on the distressed man’s back.

“Yes. I also want him.” I felt her warmth flow over me again as she reached out to that place that was us. Poe looked at her like she had declared she wanted bantha droppings. Maybe I would hit him back in our eventual fight. The stormtrooper seemed to be more focused on the task at hand.

“He must have done something. Obi-wan said he has to do the work to get back. So What did he do?” Rey looked at me. I shrugged hands outstretched. “He doesn’t know.” “Well he needs to figure it out.” Poe snapped.

“It sounds like you don’t have a lot of time. You still look sick as hell.” He had a point. She was still painfully thin and still hadn't been caring about herself.

“Thanks for that.” She replied dryly. I knew I shouldn’t enjoy her dislike of the man, but it did make me feel more secure. I thought about Obi-wan. I no longer had a burning hatred of him. The original Ben had been a burden on my mind since before I really understood what it meant.

“I have to earn it...balance…” I began to pace. “Demons…” I looked around the room. “This is where it all began.” It felt so close, but I couldn't grasp it.

“Maybe you guys need to deal with the rest of his crimes?” Finn concluded. “Obi- wan said Ben had an issue with him right. What if he dealt with that?”

“So what fly him around to where he caused the most damage?”Dameron gaped. I looked at Rey.

“Ok. We don’t have any other ideas.” My dearest relented.

“Great, not like that’s a short list.” The pilot grumbled pouting. The stormtrooper merely leaned in closer to his partner.

“We can head out tomorrow.”

“Where to?” Rey looked at me as I swallowed hard. I held up four fingers. “Yavin four. But first I’m going to do some more scavenging” She headed for the door, but paused. “I know you guys don’t get it, but thank you.”

“Rey. We get it. We know what it’s like to love someone.” Finn said softly still holding onto Dameron. Her face flushed and I felt the bolt of embarrassment and shame run through her. I moved to her side and brushed up against her warmth. A nod at the couple and we were off.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is having a hard time as the bearer of all the feelings. Ben is relieved he loved antiquated things at a child.

“Rey” She was walking fast. I moved to keep up with her. Her face was set to hide her feelings, but I could feel them. Just like I could always feel them. I am so empty and she is so full of us that it pains my heart. “Dearest.” She keeps going; unable to hear me. We hop on a transport ship. She is fiddling in the back and I realized she is refusing to look at me. She can see me and has shut me out. I wait for the rage and the hurt to hit my system like every time before. Everytime this woman had let me go and abandoned me. It didn’t come. Rey’s lovely face scrunched tighter before she signaled the driver to land.

“The Jedi council building?” She practically ran into the building, but I know best that you can’t out run ghosts. I couldn’t leave her alone even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t. She bound up the stairs till she made it to the council space. Each chair is covered with dust. A grave for each fallen master. My dearest fell to her knees and screamed.

“It’s too much. How? How did you take all of this as a child? It hurts. I can’t speak to my friends without feeling like I will regret every word. Every thought comes with doubt. Everything is known and unknown at the same minute. Ben?” She finally looks at me. Her face is contorted, her hands shaking, and she seems to be brimming with our combined reactions to today.

“I need to talk to you. I need your help.” I reached down the bond trying to keep calm. My emotions were the ones causing the chaos. I did my best to contain them, but there were other emotions at work. Guilt, shame. Why did my dearest need to feel these? I held up a hand signaling my question.

“I…” She turned her head as her anger flared. “I can’t help. Obi-wan said I had to have faith, but you are on your own to do this. I have wasted a year looking in all the wrong places. I have put everything in jeopardy. I… I don’t know if I’m strong enough.” I kneel before her and hold out my hands. She places hers above them carefully not to shift through me. I lift my hands slowly to hers. She will never fully abandon me. I also need more faith. I smile softly. I look into her eyes even distressed she’s lovely, but I want her to be happy. I want her to see all she has accomplished. She is a princess in my heart. I close my eyes to meditate. This sanctum of Jedi turned graveyard fading away till it’s just us and the force between. I quiet all of the feelings inside her. Her lean form sagged as the weight of our combined emotional stress lifted from her. 

“Ben?” Rey sounds so young and so tired. I find her snuggling into me as she begins to fall asleep. Her breathing calms as some of her hair falls into her face. Instinctively I go to move it and I connect. My hands are no longer see through. She pulls closer and I lift her to rest in my lap. I can touch her. The thought has me split between wanting to touch her forever and the indecency that I can’t ask permission. Her face twists and I breathe deeply. Calm. I need to be calm or she suffers. Great, I am so good at controlling my inner feelings. Not! My head tilts back as I think. When she slept I seemed to be able to transcend to the next level of being. Now how do the most of this? I took in the room. There had to be at least two hidden compartments on every chair. Dad had taught me how to spot them as a child. I breathed thinking through the memory.

_“Ok kid, See how this section doesn’t fully line up. Yeah. Now I would have to find a pry tool, but you kid you got your trick here so… that’s it. Gentle now. Good!”_

Han had hidden rewards inside all the hidden compartments in the Falcon. If I wanted my present I always had to find it. A good lesson, that I never appreciated. I felt nervous as I reached for the force to pull the compartments from around the room. Some decades old holos of progress reports, some spare parts I would leave for Rey, and then I noticed a case. My luck could never be this good could it? I opened the perforated case and took out the pens and parchment. The ink bottle was even still full. I hadn’t held a treasure like this in a lifetime, but I had held a pen before and I knew how to use this.

When Rey began to wake I shifted her to the floor caressing her face. She smiled as her eyes opened and I faded from physical form. “Good morning Ben.” She stretched hitting a piece of metal.

“What?” She took in the mess I had made. “How?” I pointed to the parchment I left for her.

_My dearest Rey,_

_ I know that all of this has been hard on you. Please don’t equate our suffering it won’t help. When I was a boy it wasn’t that I felt everything you feel now. It was more of a void till you were born. Then after it was still not that I took all the burdens I could just feel when you were upset, but I thought it was my own or that of those around me. So please stop thinking you are not strong enough or that you should be able to be all knowing.  _

_ We can do this together. I have been with you the whole time and I know that you have tried your best at everything, but taking care of yourself. In that, do better. It would do us no good to solve this ridiculous puzzle if you are dying. My feelings are ravaging your system and I need to learn to control them better. I will try.  _

_ When you fell asleep I regained my physical form. I’m sorry about the mess, but it was worth it to be able to leave this note for you. I found the spare parts I know how you love them so please see if there is anything useful. The reports are all of standard business from fifty years ago. Take this case with you as I can use it to communicate with you till I am able to do so again. There are lots of things we never had the time to work out and I am sorry if you feel I have crossed any boundaries. I pulled you to sleep on my lap before I wrote this. I touched your hair. Let me know what is appropriate. _

_ My feelings for you are the same as on Exogol.  _

_ Ben _

I watched her eyes drift over the paper and then up at me. A soft smile forming on her mouth.

“Ben, I have never slept better. I will take better care of myself. In exchange, hold me at night?” She looked back over the page. “My feelings for you are the same since Ahch-to.” Her stomach gave a growl and her cheeks flamed. “I guess I should work on taking care of myself.” She began packing away the scavenged items around the room while I looked around. The sun was streaming in from the windows. The room no longer felt like a decaying graveyard, but a neglected structure. One that only needed some care to be better than it once was. There would be much work to do after I was back. After my fight with Dameron, I had a plan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting. I wanted to give a bit of a LadyHawke Vibe as well as have some fun fluff before we get into some drama. I hope everyone is enjoying it please feel free to leave comments. Thank you for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew sets off for Yavin 4. Poe attempts to land a hit.

The morning was spent locating her friends and getting ready to go to Yavin 4. Rey seemed more stable today and Finn had made sure she ate. I was grateful for that. It would take us a while to get there even in the Falcon. The silence was heavy as everyone strapped in for take off. Rey was piloting and Dameron was in Chewie’s seat. Finn sat behind Rey. 

“So what did you do all night?” Dameron quipped. 

“I went to the Jedi building to look for clues.” 

“And?” 

“And I learned a few things. I’m also doing ...better today.” The storm trooper let out a breath of relief. 

“What things did you learn this time?”

“How to communicate with Ben.” Dameron’s face looked like he had just walked by fresh bantha droppings. The ship settled into hyperdrive. 

“Poe…” Finn warned from his seat. 

“Yeah, yeah. I just he’s…” Poe looked like he was struggling to find a nice word to use. 

“People can change. That guy… maybe he isn’t so different from the stormtroopers.”

Poe looked struck and turned to look at Finn. “Well, Rey said he was targeted from a young age and manipulated. If he was brainwashed and no one tried to stop him… How is it any different?” I stared at the ex-stormtrooper. “We forgave the stormtroopers because it wasn’t their fault they were programmed. If he is shaking off his conditioning and willing to work for a better future; then let him try.” Finn finished. I watched Dameron’s hands clench before letting go. 

“Do you always have to take the other side?” 

"I take the right side, but I’m with you.” Rey’s eyes met mine. This was a much calmer way of working out disagreements. 

“Ben, we should try and be more like these two. No more lightsaber decisions.” Rey smiled at me causing me to fill with warmth. 

“Eww.” The men whispered before Dameron resumed his tasks, but Finn had a half smile on his face. The three settle on a comfortable silence for a time. 

“You two can head to bed. We’ll be there in a while.” Rey smiles at her friends. She looks tired; the weight of our souls is still a burden to her body. 

“Oh and who is going to fly this thing when you pass out?” Dameron cocks an eyebrow up. 

“I’m sure Ben can fly it.” She says softly. 

“I can fly it better than all of you.” I say for my own satisfaction. 

“So you fall asleep he is just going to appear and fly the ship?” Finn places his hands on the pilots shoulders and kisses his cheek. 

“Think of it this way you have a much better shot hitting him if he is sitting down.” Rey laughs and snuggles into Dad’s chair. Finn leads Dameron to their berth. I decided to slip through into Chewie’s chair and took in the console and Rey. All the memories we would have flying around the galaxy until we gave the ship back to Chewie. Rey flew on her eyes slowly getting heavier. She had been flying all day hopping up to fix any tantrums this hunk of junk threw. It wasn’t long before Rey slipped into sleep. My fingers became solid and I pressed the autopilot. I sent out a probe of force. Time to see just how sensitive these men were. I only had to wait. 

Dameron burst into the cockpit having been warned by his lover that my presence was stronger. I slipped a finger to my lips and motioned to the door he was blocking. The durasteel closed as he swung. His punch landed on my chest as a swerved my head back. I’d let them land… just not on my face. 

“Still dressed in all black… You…” Dameron kept swinging. I still let the hits land. 

“It’s what I died in. Next time I die I’ll try and be more fashionable about it.” I smirk as his hits don’t compare to others I’ve taken. It’s better to let him rage against me. 

“So what’s your deal? You scum. Gonna come back and try and make everything better after what you did?” His voice pitched higher. This wasn’t about the torture. His face was contorted like he was trying to find something in my face. A face he had never seen and understood. Ah. 

“Yes.” His body sagged as he took a step back. I moved to the chess table and sat. 

“That’s not possible. You don’t get them back just cause you're sorry, or you decided you want Rey. It’s not like we’re little kids. Your mom can’t make us air cakes anymore.“ That stung more than any of his punches did. Mom had made him cakes? 

“I know that.” I had to keep calm. “I know I can’t go back to when I was innocent, but none of us can. Does that mean we can't go forward?” I look at the durasteel door protecting a sleeping Rey. “You have someone you care about. I have someone I care about. For once we’re not competing. I shouldn’t have tortured you. I shouldn’t have enjoyed it.” I still remember mother’s messages at the temple about the bright republic pilot that she had recruited. How daring he was, how passionate for the cause. Meanwhile, I showed any sign of feeling or daring and I was a danger. I could be the best pilot, the strongest, the most knowledgeable in history, and it wouldn’t matter because I was her son and that made me beneath him. 

“Do understand though Dameron, what it was like? You get your own families love and then mine. You had to be the golden boy for everyone. Even Luke was fond of you because of your mother. I doubt you even knew who I was when you came by the temple. No one would have told you I was your idol’s son, but I knew of you. Mother would tell me. Tell me how brave and reckless you were. Then admonish me. I don’t remember her ever making me a cake. Father was the one who brought treats. He paid off his guilt in sugar.” My chest felt tight, but I breathed in time to Uncle Luke’s teachings. I couldn’t let Rey be harmed. 

“What?” Dameron was staring hard at my face. I don’t know what he was expecting to find. “We all have our own struggles. You don’t get to cry over yours and destroy the galaxy. Your mother cared about you. She died for you.” The older man spat at me. 

“Yes, She died for me, died so that Rey could run me through and end her guilt over having me in the first place. The first time my mother reached out to me since I was a child and it was to kill me. How pleased should I be? Mother paid for her guilt in blood. You probably knew her better than me.” 

“That’s not… Leia would…”

“Prioritize the rebellion over the feelings of the people who love her… yeah that doesn’t sound like mom at all.” I sneer. Dameron’s face falls as he thinks through something. 

“So what… what is the plan?” He sits carefully down on the edge of the other side of the chess board. I look the man in the eyes. 

“We go to the places where I made the wrong choices….”

“Yeah we covered that… I meant for you. After Rey brings you back.” 

“Well, I think I’d like to help children. I’d like to teach people. I want to be with Rey. I have ideas, but first I need a body that feels real all the time.” 

“That would make the being with her part easier.” His face a lewd half smile. I rolled my eyes. 

“Didn’t you leave a perfectly good boyfriend in your bed to hit me? Also I’m Ben Solo. Nice to meet you.” I held out my hand to the man. I needed to change the cycle of hating others because of another’s choice. He looked at it and at me. He might have been moving to take it as I felt the realness shift out of me. The haze of timelessness washes over me. The durasteel slid up with a swoosh.

“Poe?” Dameron kept his eyes looking ahead at me. 

"I guess.” The pilot nodded. “I’ll go get Finn and we can land.” He jerked his thumb at me. “Rey. I’ll make you and Solo some air cake sometime. I got a recipe from someone a long time ago.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm operating on the knowledge that Poe is three years older than Ben. So when the first order first became a thing in 21 ABY he would have been 19 or twenty. This so I'm making it so this would be about the time he joined the republic and met Leia. Ben would have been 16. The first order took over became a public formation in 29 ABY and I'm assuming The Ben and Luke thing happened around then.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Return to the temple to face some more ghosts of misbehavior past.

The hatch hissed open and the warm air rushed up the ramp. Birds called in the surrounding woods as other wildlife sung back. I watched Rey breath in the air. It had a hint of spices as if the world itself wanted us to taste it’s life.

“Home sweet home.” Dameron stepped down the ramp. Yes, his parents live here during and after the empire era. Finn looked around the clearing.

“Where did you live?”

“Closer to where Luke built the temple. He gifted my family a tree that we put up to signify the border of the properties.”

“Wow. So you were neighbors?”

“Kinda” “So how did this play into spice runner Poe?”

“Look.... Some of us rebel differently than others.” The pilot cut a glance at me and I scowled. I couldn’t very well rebel against my parents by becoming a smuggler. That was to take a son to work day for one of them.

“Which way?” Rey interrupted them. Her quick glance at me forced me to focus. Now wasn’t the time to judge.

“Through those trees. Look for the pile of rubble.” The pilot glared. It was going to take more than one conversation to settle this. I followed Rey through the trees. I heard her gasp at what they had all been told was my destruction.

“You did this? “ Finn whispered as he stepped up to us. I shook my head.

“Don’t be modest. You did this and then you hunted down then last of the jedi and murdered them all.” Dameron took Finn’s hand in comfort. A gesture I wished I could give my loved one. Yet, another thing I was to be denied in this place.

“How? I knew you were a strong fighter, but…” The man surveyed my alleged destruction. The stone of the temple blown apart and scattered around the clearing. There was nothing left to resemble a temple. The charmarks almost faded with the last seven years of rainfall. I hate this place. I hate that it was the beginning of it all. Mother abandoned me here. Luke forsook me here. Snoke... No, Palpatine won me here surrounded by hope and light he won me because none of that hope was ever for me. This was a pretty prison they hoped I’d never notice the bars of. I thought of the bodies I couldn’t reach as the world exploded. So vivid as if i could still hear them screaming, but it wasn’t the younglings. It was Rey.

“What’s going on?” The two men had crouched around her as she flung herself to the ground screaming; holding her head. Her face was a stream of tears banked with anguish as if a torrent was threatening to split her apart.

“Poe what do we do?” Finn tried restraining her to stop her from pulling at her hair any longer, but her fingers were clenched too tight. Dameron looked up at me; his features stern enough to turn my stomach with guilt.

“We make him deal with his own issues.” Then he hit Rey with enough force to knock her out. She crumpled into the ground and the torrent came for me. All of the guilt, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and shame. It poured into my now feeling body.

“I hate this place.” I whispered to the winds. Unfortunately the two men thought I was talking to them.

“So, you rip Rey apart?” Finn growled over her sleeping form.

“How was I supposed to know? This is what I dealt with...Every day.” I didn’t want to speak with them about this.

“Wha...If you feel that awful why do it in the first place?” Dameron stood glaring at me.

“I didn’t” I felt a pull towards the temple. I went, leaving them to watch my dearest.

“Not so fast. Finn watched Rey.” Dameron came up next to me.

“Ok,oh dowsing rod of darkness, where do we go?” We headed deep into the rubble and ruins. The giant walls that had lasted for so long before Luke thought to use it for a temple. I kept recognizing places. Places that I had read. Places I watched other padawans passby. Now all just ruins unrecognisable, except for by me. The force wove me through each area until we reached the other side. Another graveyard of my life. Each step carving it’s mark upon my soul for the lives I could not save. That I was rightly responsible for. The shimmery blue forms of the twins sat before me.

“Mother… Luke...” I nodded.

“Leia’s here.” Dameron whipped around as if he would magically become force sensitive by sheer desire. Did he miss Mother that much? I thought of his comment about her making him cake. Yeah, that might make me miss her too.

“Yes.”

“Is she ok? Is she happy?” Dameron looked at me pleading. His pride must be suffering to ask me, but it showed the depth of his devotion.

“She is a specter and no, she doesn’t look happy, but that might just be because I’m here.” I regarded the twins again. They had been too happy to look at Rey as she bid them farewell. Yet, they both looked on the verge of a fight upon seeing me.

“Why are you here and not Rey?” My mother shot first. I don’t know what else I was expecting.

“Rey could not bear the emotions. Dameron is the one who knocked her out.” My mother’s face locked on Poe.

“She’s not happy with me is she.” Poe shivered.

“Very observant.”

“Now’s not the time.” Luke cut in. “We need to have this done before Rey wakes up. This is all very hard on her.”

“Did you ever think that of me?” I felt foolish and like a child. “Did anyone in the family ever look at me and think how hard it must be for Ben?” I sounded like a child and a cut myself from asking anymore.

“I knew you would be lost from the minute I knew you were conceived.” Mother stated as if it was a briefing. “You could not be saved. It was a matter of limiting the damage, of prolonging the inevitable. I told Luke to be mindful, but he wasn’t and he bore the consequences.” Luke flinched as mother continued. “Only Han thought there was a way to stop your turning. We fought every day about it,” Her face softened. “Till I sent you to Luke and he left angry that I would abandon you. Then you turned and he believed me. Every argument I had given him proved true. So I had to fight with him again when Rey brought him to base. That you could be turned back. That there was still light in you.” Mother smiled. “I am a harsh woman, “ She held up a hand to silence whatever though her brother had. “but I am still your mother and I play the long game better than most. I sent your father to get you. Then I did it myself.” I don’t know when the tears had begun to flow down my face, but I knew they weren’t stopping. Dameron looked shocked and embarrassed.

“I only understood once I reconnected…” Luke stepped up looking chastised. “You hadn’t burned been the one to destroy everything. The students hadn’t run off with you to the dark. They hunted you down. Chased you into a corner where only the emperor gave you a hand. I should have learned from my predecessors better.”

“I could have told you that.” Mother snarled. “I had intel on the whole thing within an hour, but couldn’t get to him in time. Han had the Falcon and was blocking my calls. YOu ran off to the middle of no where.” Even as a ghost mother felt imposing. She had been over a foot shorter than me since I was eleven and it never deterred her from seemingly able to loom over me. “I am always right Ben, regardless of those who say otherwise. You can do this. Mother believes in you.” My chest constricted as I tried not to sob. My parents had believed in me? Father had fought for me? My world felt flipped, but I could feel the truth.

“I’m sorry Mother. I really…”

“I know, my boy.” I looked at her through my bleary eyes and smiled. I wasn't ashamed of being a child. I was a child, hers. At least for that moment and I smiled at her.

“Honor those here by living as you were meant to and not how their demised forced you. If we had done that…” Luke looked away over the ruins. There would always be certain regrets here. I began to feel numbness spreading from within. Rey must be waking. I wiped my face desperately wishing I could repent for my many years of misunderstanding. Mother looked at me and nodded. She knew. She always either knew or would figure it out. That’s what Father always said.

“Ask Poe when it was I gave him that air cake.” She shot him a feisty look.

“Yes, Mother.” I was numb again as they faded. I had returned to being a spector myself.

“Soooo good talk?” Dameron said as I turned back towards Rey. I had grown so used to being silenced I didn’t think about the retort.

“Mother doesn’t do talk, she does speeches. I was told to find out the specifics of the air cake.” Dameron tripped over a smaller rock. I guess my reward for accepting my family was my voice. How interesting!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So more intense this time. I needed a chance to give the general the ability to defend herself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey need a chance to chat. Though they excel at taking with their hands.

Dameron and I made it back to Rey and Finn in silence. My dearest was still on the ground. Finn hovering nearby like a bird seeking nectar. 

“Rey, you good?” The man looked beside himself. Dameron double stepped over to them. Finn gave an amplified sigh at the sight of the man. 

“So…?” Rey looked up at my misty body. 

“Turns out mother always had a plan.” Tears jumped into her eyes as she smiled. It was the single most lovely thing I had seen; her happiness over something as worthless as my voice. 

“No, It’s not.” She growled at me. The two spectators jumped. “Your voice is… It’s a comfort I can’t explain.” She hopped off the ground and marched away into the woods. 

“So Finn wanna see where I grew up?” Dameron grabbed Finn before he could initiate nursemaid functions again. The small man giving a head jerk towards my bondmate as if I needed coaching that one should follow an angry woman. How many times had I watched the outcomes as a child? 

I found her sitting on a rock. Her hair was blowing in a faint wind I couldn't feel. She was mediating or plotting how to damage a spirit, or most likely both. Her energy was vivid and swirling around her as I came up next to her. The hum of the force around her called to me. I ran my hands through it along her face. She leaned into it. Her mouth coming apart. It was an invitation that spoke to the basest parts of me. 

“I’m sorry I can not see you as you see me.” Not yet anyway. She leaned deeper into my hand. The air pulsing around her. I could swear to the softness of her skin. Her lips formed a pout of frustration. The angry expression. She often made it when I refused to lie to her. She was so conditioned to liars and enemies. The fact that I am honest annoys her to no end. I ran a finger along her lips. Her face flushed, but she still refused to speak or look at me. I felt the stirring in the force as my inherited mischief came alive inside us both. Slowly I caressed giving her time to reject me. My hands tracing along her arms and then down her crossed legs. Her breathing picked up. 

“Do you like this? How does it feel?” I whispered to her. She flung her face away from me. So I ran my hands up along her back, leaning in almost and embrace. Letting her feel me through her tie to the force. I finally slid my hands up her neck and to her hair. The strands didn’t move, but her skin broke out in little bumps of reaction. I slid my cheek past her ear. My dearest was panting. Her eyes were squeezed tight and her hands kept clenching; then releasing. 

“Shall I stop then?” I began to move away, but she shot forward as if to hold me fast to her. Instead she fell from the rock and landed on the forest floor. A scream of anguish followed. I don’t know whose she pulled it from. Maybe both. 

“Ben… Please.” She was on all fours on the forest floor looking as if she would have taken my life to heal me and beat me again. 

“Yes, Yes, I would beat you over and over again. This…. Do you know what that felt like?” She snapped up to me. “It felt like you were here. That you and I…” Another strangle screech of our emotions. “This might be fun for you.”

“It is” I wrapped myself around her trying to be soothing. “It is great fun to know you want me to touch you. That's my end… That the love I received in my final moments wasn’t just…”

“We can feel each other how could you not know? “ She shifted trying to find a position to sit without losing the sensation of me. 

“I can’t.” She shifted again. “You have all of our emotions till you sleep and then I bear my own.” She crumpled in my arms a bit. “What can I do?” 

“Be here. Take your emotions back and make me feel them properly from you. You have so much anger and sadness. Some days it feels as though I will never be warm again. Other days it’s as if I will burn alive from the inside from hating. You are so calm. I don’t know how you manage this storm.” 

“I had to learn.” Mother wouldn’t take me if I couldn’t stay in control. Luke was constantly vigilant of me. Controlling how I was on the outside till I burst was surviving. Rey shivered and I wound myself closer into her energy. I was a monster for forcing her to bear my sins. When all I ever wanted for her was to be a queen. My queen. A small sound escaped her. It was nothing I had ever heard, but I wanted to hear it again, everyday. 

“Ben?”

“Yes, Dearest?” She shifted turning to face me. Her face was flushed and she looked lost as if words had failed her. Her energy shifting and flaring in uncertainty and embarrassment. Then she focused hard and reached through the force. Her energy twined back with my faint glow. A warmth and heat filled me for a moment when she focused. My heart is filling and emptying. 

“I love you too Dearest.” She smiled widely as if those words seemed to settle us both into some certainty. “I will become whole again and then, with your permission. I want to hold you.” Her flush this time courtesy of my embarrassment. 

“When I can I’m never letting you go again.” Her face turning into a scandalous grin that would have made father proud. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aiming to head into some steamier bits in the next few sections. Thank you to every reader. I've been having so much writing like this again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has to keep his hands busy and too himself.

The two men hadn’t returned to the Falcon. Rey seemed worn from our escalated emotions. An idea formed in my mind. 

“Rest,” Her head snapped in my direction. “Please.” Her face was of obstinate conflict. “I’m not going to go anywhere.” 

“You better not.” Her expression finally softened. Her mask was removed as her exhaustion took hold. “I have a lot to say..” She began to lay her head on the bunk. 

“We both do, but I will always be with you. There is time now. Rest.” In a way this in between was refreshing I never tired so I could keep watch and help her, but It also gave me little excuse to curl myself around her. 

“Ben?”

“Hmm.” 

“You can.” Permission is by far sweeter than excuses. I wrapped my incorporeal self around her delighting in that connection that seemed to ground me to life. The warmth of the connected points seeping into me. My dearest gave a small noise somewhere between a gasp and a sob before rolling to face me. Her eyes glistened with tears and unsaid words. 

“Stay.” I held her till she had drifted off to sleep and my body formed around hers. My hands brought to life in the tangles of her hair. My heart was hammering in my chest as I reacted to the proximity of her. I had dreamed of this. I had in fact dreamed this. 

_ I had finally allowed myself to rest after Crait. I had brought my grief down upon those around me as I watched her abandon me. The image of her on the Falcon leaving me with mother. The way everyone always left. My bed just seemed to mock me. The loneliness of space meant to be shared. That I wanted to share. Then in my miserable tossing and turning I felt the strands of her hair. I breathed in the smell of spare parts and sand. She was there just across the space of my bed. Her back was to me and it broke my heart. All I could bring myself to do was move my fingers against her hair. I felt the connection beginning to weaken and brought one set of strands to my mouth. Even if she never would want me… I would die loving her.  _

The memory pulsed over me as her face was pressed into my chest. Her breasts crushed up against my stomach so that our breathing pushed them further into me. She had been the one to cross the line to me. I had died and revived for her love, but she loved me as well. My hands slowly untangled themselves without my having to cut them off at the wrist. A shocker. Rey was imposing to the others. She was strong in her bearing. She could stare down most in the galaxy, but in my arms she seemed so delicate. I stroked the backs of my fingers down between the blades of her shoulders. I was rewarded with a wiggled reflex. I brought my thumb over the smoothness of her arm to finish the untangling of our bodies. I wanted to press into her, but it would be cruel as she was asleep and if I woke her I would only have her doubled frustrations. So instead I needed to preoccupy my thoughts and energy elsewhere. A quickly jotted note was left by her head. 

_ “Come eat.”  _

I headed for the galley to begin making food. Anything I figured she would like. I was finishing up the filling for a ronto wrap when the Dameron and Finn arrived. I set the mix aside and began on the next project. 

“What the…” Finn exclaimed. Dameron holding out a hand. 

“So Rey’s asleep?” I wasn’t going to respond to foolishness. He cocked an eyebrow and slid into a seat. Finn followed suit.

“You can cook?” 

“All padawan are instructed to be able to survive. All senators son’s are taught how to use the holo net. Nobody ever wanted to be the one to eat Father’s cooking so…” I shrugged. “Mother insisted.” The two men grew quiet at that. It reminded me though. “Mother said to ask you when she gave you the air cake recipe.” I was mixing bespin cloud cookies. The pilot looked as if he was about to be dressed down. 

“Ah well. I was coming back to visit my old man here. She gave me a tin and the recipe. Told me… That if I saw you I should share.” He stared off into a convenient direction. 

“Poe…” Oh, good. His lover was going to handle it. “You stole cake from a kid.” 

“He was like nineteen.”

“You were older.”

“Well I didn't see him. She clearly said “If you see him.” 

“We just walked from the temple to your house and back it was an easy errand.”

“So! He got everything. Leia as a mom who was alive. His dad Han Solo…. Best pilot before me, oh yeah force powers and Luke Skywalker’s first padawan…. Yeah I took the cakes.” Finn looked at his lover with a face of determination. 

“You are the child.” Poe looked struck. I had lost my patience for this nonsense before it started. My hands gripping the bowl tighter as I tried to breathe through it. 

“Give it to me now.” 

“Look I can’t give you a tin I ate a decade ago.”

“No, lazer brain the recipe.” Finn smacked him on the head.

“Oh.” He reached into a pocket and produced it. Mother’s tidy scrawl. She had been the one to insist I learn to write. That it was a good skill to leave a message without a droid. I looked it over and began to get the ingredients in order. 

“You just had it in your pocket?”

“Leia gave it to me.”

“Ten years ago.”

“It was important.” Poe looked like the petulant child I always hoped he was. Mother’s pride of the resistance. 

“I was jealous of him as well. I can fly, use the force, lead. It doesn’t matter if no one believes in you though. A prince or a spice runner. You only have worth when it’s given.” I felt their eyes on my back as I continued to make the platters of food for Rey. The air thick with their thoughts on me. My teeth began to ache. I hurried to get the cakes in the oven. 

“I’ll be back. Don’t let them burn.” I needed to get rid of these feelings before Rey woke up and was burdened. 

I ran outside the Falcon. The sun was setting and I let the irony of it come over me. This place was so full of memories. I balled my fists and went into the force. Meditative fighting was always my strongest skill. It had saved me after Chewie’s bolt went through my side and I still needed to fight. I feel nothing but the force and the movement. The air was becoming cooler. Peace was returning to my mind. I looked up at the ramp to find Rey. Tears streaming down her face. 

“I miss them all too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. this chapter is a bit shorter since it's my husband's birthday today and I had flan to make to it. It makes me happy that people read this. Thank you all so much. If anyone has any comments or critiques I would appreciate them. I'll post again next week.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben sorts through more feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I didn't get a chapter out last week. Plague has messed up a lot here. Hopefully now that my family and i have figured out somethings I might have time keep on schedule. Thank you all so much.

“This is actually really good.” Finn happily munched on the buffet. Rey had a hoarded pile of deliciousness and was guarding it with an arm as she savored the food. Her chest swelled as she beamed both from her enjoyment of the food and my pride. The connection to my emotions was growing stronger. Before I simply knew logically that something should feel a certain way, but now I it was like a distant call. I knew what I would be feeling. 

“You,” Poe pointed a finger at me while dramatically posing, “are now in charge of all the food prep.” Finn shook his head and yanked the absurd man down by his shirt. 

“You,” Finn pointed dramatically at his lover, “Are insane.” The blasted pilot smiled warmly and slipped in beside his partner. 

“You love it.” Finn returned the smile before planting a kiss on his man’s lips. 

“Yeah. I kinda do.” Snatching up another air cake he hopped up and left the table. Poe had a dopey smile on his face before giving chase. 

Rey had a mixed expression on her face. 

“What is it Dearest?” I missed the complete feeling our connection had given me. Relationships are considerably easier when you can read your partner's mind. 

“They touch so easily…” Yes, the men were overly touchy in public, but I don't think it warranted being upset. “Even when we could touch it was never that easy.” She sighed into her plate. It had always been a struggle. We offered our hands to each other only for something to go awry.  I wanted to sift through her energy again the closest to touch I could manage in this state. Rey flinched away from my hand. 

“I’m going to train.” She escaped the table without a protest from me. Rey was enduring enough; had endured enough from me. I have never been more grateful for the timelessness of this form.  When she returned covered in sweat, dirt, and dust she seemed as much the battle queen I had envisioned on the supremacy. Her exhaustion was almost palpable. 

“I’m going to use the fresher and rest.” 

“May I….?” I began and she turned on me; her face flushed. “For the resting…” I had no guide lines for this. I had no understanding of this. Every word was wrong until it was not and every action was despicable until it was welcomed. I am a soul with no heart in this form. Since my heart beats with her as it always has. She backed down a bit and nodded before she headed back towards the fresher. I went to her bunk instead. Touch. I had wrapped myself in anger and leather for so long. Rey’s was the first touch I had experienced in ages. As brief as those touches had been. Rey appeared cleaned from her explosive training. She curled into the back corner of the bunk still lost in the same fog as earlier. 

“Rey…” Her eyes shifted to me. “Do i have permission...to touch you?” Her face scrunched. “Do you want me to touch you?” I felt thick. I had been trained on languages and etiquette. Yet, here I was a fool in princes clothing. 

“Do you want to touch me?” Her voice was a whispered breath. “In what way?” 

“In all ways you’d like.” She chuckled. 

“We are the strongest force users in the galaxy… yet we are children when it comes to others.” She smiled sadly. “Are we both still so scared of rejection?” She held a fist to her sternum. “Is this nervousness yours, mine, ours. Who is afraid? Why? Ben.” 

“If I had to wager I’d say it’s me. I’m not worthy even if I return to this side. I have done so many terrible things. I waged war. I killed my father. When I return I have to face a lifetime of trying to make up for my shortcomings. Yet, I will have you. Do I deserve that love and kindness? Should I be rewarded with such a gift as your touch and your love after all I am guilty of?” 

“Maybe it’s not your reward.” She rolled over leaving her back open to me. “Maybe it’s mine.” In an instant the logic of it made sense. My life would be her reward and my punishment would be to live and struggle to be worthy of it. I felt the realness slip into my fingers. My heart began to beat in my chest and fill me with all of the conflicting emotions she had been swallowing all day. Then I followed my emotions to her calm light. She was happy. She was sure. My dearest had been pushing through my weak and whiny emotions. Oh, how strong she was! I slipped beside her, my hand hovering over her shoulder when she turned and landed her face against my chest. I rolled to my back and she wrapped her body around me. I stroked down her back and held her hand in mine. She was sure of me. So I would believe her. The warmth of her body seeped into me as a new torment of realisation struck. Her thigh was in dangerous territory and there was nothing I could do about it. I would have succeeded in meditating my way out of trouble if not for the sudden moaning coming through the air vents. I’d have to demand the engine room be sanitized tomorrow. Though is there a place those two haven’t… I wouldn’t think about that either. Tomorrow. I’d work it all out tomorrow. I snapped the vent shut with the force and tried to concentrate on my breathing. Tomorrow. 

I don’t know how long we had slept. Rey felt so comforting in my arms as her hair went wild behind her. I let my eyes drift over her as my heart pounded in my chest. This woman had saved me. She grounded a scattered stormy being like myself. Her skin was covered in little freckles and marks. Little things, so slight you’d never see them from a distance. Her body toned even when relaxed still looked taunt. I would have to feed her more. I focused on us in the force. I felt our hearts beat together. I felt the balance of our imperfect selves perfect together. Then like a siren’s call I felt a pull. Naboo. I felt fear grip my heart before I lost the ability. Rey leapt up from the bed. Instantly ready to attack the disturbance. 

“We know where we need to go next.” A nod. 

“Naboo. Home planet of our families.” What more could be restored to me except myself? Could it really be as circular as to end where it began? 

“Ben,”

“Hmm”

“Stop thinking.” 

“Yes Dearest.” 

“Also when you get your body back...I think I would enjoy anywhere you touch me. Then we can give those two a taste of their own medicine.” 

**Author's Note:**

> So I am going to try and update this once a week as my life allows. Please all constructive feedback is welcome as I want to get a sense if people enjoy my writing. Thank you to anyone who has read this.


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